March 11, 2012

Dead. I'm dead inside. I dont want to do anything. I just want to sleep. I cant find the inspiration to draw, or write, or talk to my friends. I wake up, go to work, come home, and go to sleep. That's about it. I'm round-about miserable. I dont know what's up with me lately. I want to get out of this funk. I want to draw, and be happy, and hang out with friends and be able to smile and laugh. I want this crazy little cloud of depression to move on to the next city and leave me to clean up the damage and recover.

March 10, 2012

Work was boring, to say the least. Nothing exciting happened, besides me losing patience with some customers. I didnt get cranky or anything. I smiled, helped them with what they needed. One lady in particular got on my nerves. She had called the store and asked for a specific kind of basket, a woven, boxy shaped thing. "Okay, we have three in stock; one is dark brown, and two are light brown." She said to hold them so she could come look at them. So I did. She came in the store about an hour later. "Well, the girl on the phone said you had three." I looked to the baskets. "These are three that we have in stock." Yeah, lady, I know what the girl on the phone said, IT WAS ME! "She said that you had two of the dark ones, and one light one." *.* Nope, pretty sure I said one dark and two light, but I feigned ignorance and apologized for the mix up. If she had been listening, then she wouldnt have wasted my time. ANYWAYS. She goes back to look at the baskets. Comes back a while later. By now, it's only a few minutes until we close. I'm ringing up her items, and she stops me. "Isnt that one supposed to be $8.99?" I look at the monitor. "No, this one is $8.99 and the two larger ones are $11.99." By the way, she didnt want the basket that I had held for her in the beginning. She changed her mind, got a different size, and made me take the other one back. >:( Anyways, back to the story. SO, she changed her mind AGAIN about what she wanted. At this point, I had called another store to see if the had what she wanted in stock. I spent half an hour on the phone, and at this time, the store was closing. I wanted to leave. I had been wanting to leave for about three hours now. The store I called didnt have it, so I had wasted all that time. Then she CHANGED HER MIND AGAIN!!!! Oh my god, I was so frustrated. That was two transactions that I had to cancel out of. All for some freaking baskets! It had to be the right size, and the right color. Now, the woman knew that the store was closed, but she went back and got different basket -again- even though she knew this. I finally got everything checked out and she left. God, I was so irritated. I hadnt dealt with such a picky customer, when the store was closing. But I was patient -on the outside- and said that everything was okay, I didnt mind, it wasnt a problem, I'm sorry for all the trouble, BLAH BLAH BLAH. But yeah, that was the extent of my work day. I cleaned up a little, put the returns away, and helped some customers. That was all.

I realize now, that while I was working, I was doing everything pretty mindless. I wasnt really thinking. It was like I was on autopilot or something. When I was working with my co-workers on the register, I would laugh and smile, but I see now that I wasnt really feeling the emotions for that. I wasnt really happy, or genuinely laughing. It was just an automatic response to the situation...Something seems to be wrong, lately. I cant really have a good time. I havent laughed and really meant it in a long time. I want to be happy, and laugh, and have a good time. I want to be able to do what I like, and not think about all the negatives in my life. But it just lingers over my head like a depressing cloud with non-stop downpours of sadness.

My life is dull. I have nothing right now that I'm really looking forward to. I like my job, and I like having days off during the week where I can do whatever I want...But it's just not enough. There's a hole inside me, and it seems like no matter what I do, I cant fill it up.

March 9, 2012

My thoughts are all a jumbled mess. I cant think straight, I can really concentrate on anything. It's like I'm stuck in this black void of depression and negativity. I want to be in a good mood; I dont really have a solid reason not to be. I have a job, one of my stories got accepted to be published, my family is healthy, and I have friends to talk to. But then I think of all the bad things, the small things that shouldnt really matter, but they bug me anyways.

1. My job. I love my job. I havent had a job that I actually like, and I'm working somewhere that I love to go to. It's a craft store, and I used to go there at least once a week to get something. Everyone at my job is really nice, and they're all friendly. The only bad thing is that I'm only working weekends, and most days it's only 4 or 5 hours. I have an 8 hour shift on saturday, but that's still not much when I'm only working Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I also have to commute an hour to get there. So, what I earn from working pretty much goes into my gas tank. I'm trying to get transferred into a closer store, and possibly work at both of them so I'll have even more hours. But for now, it's kind of at a stand-still, and I just have to deal with what I have.

2. My friends. Lately, it seems like I'm closer to my internet friends than I am with my real friends, people I've known for years. My internet friends talk to me daily, ask me how I am, how my art is going, what I'm up to...My real friends, one in particular...I'm lucky if I get a text from her a month. I'm always the one to ask if we can hang out. She never seems to want to hang. She never thinks of things to do together, and she never asks me to hang out; I'm always the one who says something. I know this is pointless, and stupid, but in all honesty, it hurts. I dont like feeling left out, like an outcast. The only person that ever talks to me, and wants to hang out with me, is my ex-boyfriend's brother. He's really cool, and I love the guy to death. And that brings up another issue. My ex-boyfriend. Who was like, my BEST friend. He was the first guy I ever loved, and I was an idiot to let him go. I wish we could have stayed closer. I love talking to him, and even when we werent going out, he was a really good friend and talked to me when I needed help. Now, I never see him, I never talk to him...It's like he's vanished from my world. I miss him. But, now that he has a girlfriend, there's nothing I can do about it. He doesnt even live at home anymore, which makes it a million times harder to hang out with him, even if I could.

3. Getting my story published. I started this story in 2011, and have been periodically working on it ever since. A lot of people like it, and encourage me every day to keep working on it. I submitted it to a publishing company, and they accepted it, which is really cool and made me super happy. The bad thing: it costs thousands of dollars to get it published, and that made my mom put the breaks on the whole thing. I'm trying to get her to read more into it so she'll realize that you pay over time, not all at once. But she wont read it, and still doesnt like the idea. I dont know why, since all of the money I would be making would pretty much go to her. That whole thing is just stressing me out.

4. My artwork. I have been in this super funk lately, where I cant draw anything that's really good. Every time I draw something, I find something wrong with it and throw it away. That makes me angry, and makes me think that I have very little talent.

5. My life. I dont know what the point of my life is right now. I was going to school to get a photography degree, and I wanted to travel the world and take pictures of natural disasters and wildlife, and show the world what it is that we're doing to our planet: destroying it. Then I realized that there's hardly any money in photography unless you have connections, or you're Ansel Adams good. Which I'm not. Then that had me thinking about my art. There's no money in that either, so why do I keep doing it? It relaxes me, and gives me something to do when I'm bored. But I still have to buy supplies like sketchbooks and pencils and what-not. Why waste money on something that cant get you anything?

To sum it all up, I'm in this depressing, semi-bi-polar mood. One second, I'm thinking about all the bad things listed (in detail) above. The next, I'm laughing and smiling and doing the things that I enjoy. I dont know what's wrong with me, but I wish it would go away. I wish I had a boyfriend to tell this all to. I wish I had someone to love, and that loved me for who I am. But I dont know where is, or where I should find him...I guess I'll just have to wait until I practically trip over him to be able to finally know that he's the one....

I think this enough banter for a while. This is everything that's been on my mind for the past couple of days. Now you know, and I hope you enjoyed reading my inner turmoil. Good day.