1. My job. I love my job. I havent had a job that I actually like, and I'm working somewhere that I love to go to. It's a craft store, and I used to go there at least once a week to get something. Everyone at my job is really nice, and they're all friendly. The only bad thing is that I'm only working weekends, and most days it's only 4 or 5 hours. I have an 8 hour shift on saturday, but that's still not much when I'm only working Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I also have to commute an hour to get there. So, what I earn from working pretty much goes into my gas tank. I'm trying to get transferred into a closer store, and possibly work at both of them so I'll have even more hours. But for now, it's kind of at a stand-still, and I just have to deal with what I have.
2. My friends. Lately, it seems like I'm closer to my internet friends than I am with my real friends, people I've known for years. My internet friends talk to me daily, ask me how I am, how my art is going, what I'm up to...My real friends, one in particular...I'm lucky if I get a text from her a month. I'm always the one to ask if we can hang out. She never seems to want to hang. She never thinks of things to do together, and she never asks me to hang out; I'm always the one who says something. I know this is pointless, and stupid, but in all honesty, it hurts. I dont like feeling left out, like an outcast. The only person that ever talks to me, and wants to hang out with me, is my ex-boyfriend's brother. He's really cool, and I love the guy to death. And that brings up another issue. My ex-boyfriend. Who was like, my BEST friend. He was the first guy I ever loved, and I was an idiot to let him go. I wish we could have stayed closer. I love talking to him, and even when we werent going out, he was a really good friend and talked to me when I needed help. Now, I never see him, I never talk to him...It's like he's vanished from my world. I miss him. But, now that he has a girlfriend, there's nothing I can do about it. He doesnt even live at home anymore, which makes it a million times harder to hang out with him, even if I could.
3. Getting my story published. I started this story in 2011, and have been periodically working on it ever since. A lot of people like it, and encourage me every day to keep working on it. I submitted it to a publishing company, and they accepted it, which is really cool and made me super happy. The bad thing: it costs thousands of dollars to get it published, and that made my mom put the breaks on the whole thing. I'm trying to get her to read more into it so she'll realize that you pay over time, not all at once. But she wont read it, and still doesnt like the idea. I dont know why, since all of the money I would be making would pretty much go to her. That whole thing is just stressing me out.
4. My artwork. I have been in this super funk lately, where I cant draw anything that's really good. Every time I draw something, I find something wrong with it and throw it away. That makes me angry, and makes me think that I have very little talent.
5. My life. I dont know what the point of my life is right now. I was going to school to get a photography degree, and I wanted to travel the world and take pictures of natural disasters and wildlife, and show the world what it is that we're doing to our planet: destroying it. Then I realized that there's hardly any money in photography unless you have connections, or you're Ansel Adams good. Which I'm not. Then that had me thinking about my art. There's no money in that either, so why do I keep doing it? It relaxes me, and gives me something to do when I'm bored. But I still have to buy supplies like sketchbooks and pencils and what-not. Why waste money on something that cant get you anything?
To sum it all up, I'm in this depressing, semi-bi-polar mood. One second, I'm thinking about all the bad things listed (in detail) above. The next, I'm laughing and smiling and doing the things that I enjoy. I dont know what's wrong with me, but I wish it would go away. I wish I had a boyfriend to tell this all to. I wish I had someone to love, and that loved me for who I am. But I dont know where is, or where I should find him...I guess I'll just have to wait until I practically trip over him to be able to finally know that he's the one....
I think this enough banter for a while. This is everything that's been on my mind for the past couple of days. Now you know, and I hope you enjoyed reading my inner turmoil. Good day.
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